Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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