Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's shark week go big or go home
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
