My friends, they love my intelligence
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
