I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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