you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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