I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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