Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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