Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
