I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Did I show you my penis last night?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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