I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
