Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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