My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
