Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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