Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
