I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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