she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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