I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
