farters have to be the big spoon...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
