I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
