My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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