I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
