Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
