You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
