i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
