I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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