I faked an abortion last night.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
