Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
