Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
there's paper in my vomit.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
