Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
