I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
