i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
