miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just want nice things and good sex
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
