I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
