I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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