Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My sheets look like a crime scene.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
