He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
