Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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