No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
