Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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