Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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