I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
