Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize