I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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