I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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