It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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