I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
