i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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