Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He passed out mid-signature
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
