I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
