Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
