i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
