Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She bit a glass in half.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
